I’m sitting here crying. Pretty normal for me I guess. Just tearing up. Ya know.
I guess after all these years after all these nights I might be someone who can stand up and understand that I’m okay. Because I am. I am okay. I promise. But here I am feeling hollowed. I think the rejection is finally hitting me. Weeks later. Can I count it as months? Yes, yes I can because I knew the night of July 9th that I was crossing lines and nothing good would come out of a summer of secrets.
I’m crying out for mercy but also edging closer to the fire of despair that springs only from my own actions.
It’s cold tonight. Here are more tears.
Reciprocated? Nope, rejected again. Told to move on.
So how do I feel? Oh let me dump it out!
I’m still just like a 16 year old who can’t see beyond my own irrational modus operendi. I don’t feel bad necessarily though. Because what is there to regret? He is more than handsome. He’s passionate, clever, humorous, his body language is comforting and there is no doubt in my mind that he has enriched my life. His laugh is the sweetest thing I’ve heard in years. Hearing that….ugh. It fills every crack in my marrow and I hear the blood rush in my ears because I only feel joy. What a blessing he is in my life and I am so happy that he’s in my life. I’d trade the stars to keep him around.
And I miss him. A lot. Frequently
It’s hard to like people more than they like me.
They’ve told me to guard my heart and that I can’t just keep giving it out. I don’t want to offer just part of my self to others though. Whether it be a friend or a paramour. I’m all in. And on occasion when I find a young man who strikes me it’s like my heart grips them.
And I don’t care if there exists selfishness or immaturity, rough edges or weak points. I’ll adore regardless.
I’ll become bewitched.
He set a fire in my stomach. I burn inwardly and I am captive in ways I never imagined, I had professed many times prior that I was too strong to worry about such restraints.
Here’s the pivot point though. Jesus loves him more than I do. He adores him far more than me. So he understands why and where my affections come from.
Freedom in Christ. Resting in Him, Totally a thing.
So relevent. So important.
The tears dried up. I cry for mercy my God has never failed. He didn’t tonight, Chains are gone. My struggles draw me near to His thrones.