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made him feel like a man. Well at least I tried to flatter him. He laughed and told me I was tired but I was blunt. Honest. But that smile I got out of him? Oh yeah. Just doin what I do best.

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I feel that I really will spend the rest of my life trying to forget you because it’s just too hard to have someone so wonderful out of reach. Sometimes, when it’s really quiet, and I’m really being honest with myself, I understand, oh I understand that every one is compared to you. You are the swell of a crescendo, you are the fade-in beginning of a symphony and the rise and fall of melodic phrases. Everyone else seems to be harmonies.

This is either my fate 

Or I will meet someone who will blow the remembrance of you out of the water and I’ll start to form your name on my lips but stop because, in the end, I know that it isn’t the melody anymore. You’ll be another harmony. 

Still, knowing you has been the one of the best blessings in my life. Really.

And sometime this week I hope to gather my courage, tattered though it always is when it comes to you, and I’ll go get some of our favorite food, I’ll show up at your house with my bike and we can do whatever. Watch our favorite shows, go on a ride, go on a walk if your knee is okay…..OMG WE BOTH HURT THE SAME KNEE…..or we can just sit in your basement talk like we used to. 

I only pray for your happiness. I heard you were in the ER and I flipped. The thought of you getting hurt wrenches my soul.

I need you to be okay because when you’re gone it feels like a mist in my soul and all the doors creek with in the rooms of my heart. now if you were gone gone? I can’t comprehend that 

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What have I done.

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Wake me from this dream. 

Oh hello stupidity, my old friend.

How long should I lie to myself?

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Austin asked a question I didn’t know how to answer

I laughed when he told me that Tommy was definetly attracted to me.

He asked why I thought the idea of that was so funny

Why is it?

I don’t actaully know

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DON’T JUST DROP IT ON ME THAT YOU’RE IN THE ER

I almost started crying. I’m just going to come over tomorrow and bring yeh yehs. Netflix, Gardening what ever you want. Whatever you need.

But alksdfj;alskdjfalskdjf;aowejfalksd

and tommy

and Austin. 

HOW DID AUSTIN KNOW

Austin is way way way way smarter than I have recognized. 

And I told Austin I could never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever date Tommy because as it is I feel kind of like a slutty piece of garbage. No not that. But I betrayed so many aspects of my personality and what not. There is almost only shame.

Almost.

Because despite Tommy bragging to me about different girls he’s been with I swear there was something genuine in the way he looked at me. The way he traced circles on my hips with his finger tips. The way he “booped” my nose and told me I was silly. The way he assertively grabbed me and pulled me closer to him when I told him I had to get home. The way he reached around my sides trying to find where I was ticklish. The way he’d turn towards me when I’d pull away and inch closer still. 

Something genuine?

idkidkidkidk. 

But Austin pried it out of me that yes, I am attracted to Tommy. I mean really what’s not to like? And he told me that he knows that Tommy is attracted to me. Which explains his uncharacteristic behavior of trying to appear like a womanizer and a stud even though he really isn’t. Austin told me that  Tom wants to appear macho in front of me and he’s also trying to hide the fact that he’s got a thing for me. 

I laughed. SO HARD.

And I couldn’t understand why he’d feel like he’s not man. I mean. The dudes got good beard game and he’s tall and relatively fit and he’s got a really attractive intelligence about him. Austin then told me something that broke my heart into a million pieces: all of Tommy’s past girlfriends have either cheated on him or just treated him like crap. And I knew about the last one but not in the detail Austin told me tonight.

Tommy was like smashed by this chick. Absolutely torn apart. 

And ever since then he’s been a little different.

And my heart is just like throbbing on his behalf. He’s been pretty insecure since then but I being stupid decided it’d be fun to push his buttons. I loved calling him stupid but I’m sure my jokes hurt him a little too and Austin said it wasn’t wise to insult him the way I do. 

But it looks like in the end he’s going to be hired at the store which means I’ll be around him at least 10 hours a week. 

Maybe that’s a little rough.

But I’ll do what I actually legitimately love doing best: I’ll boost his ego. I’ll let him feel like a man. 

I feel so bad if I ever did hurt him…I wish I could just put his hand back in mine and tell him that he’s just fine. He should never worry about impressing me and that he’s wonderful and he has a lot to offer, 

I’m seeing him tomorrow night after work. I know I promised Trish I wouldn’t see him on my own but, But. i DON’T KNOW

tired can’t think

and if I am to be really honest with myself

really

There is 2 christians guys I would date in a heart beat and pretty much the only 2 I know.

They don’t look at me like that. I’m inconsequential to them and I know it. Unanswered texts. Unanswered messages. 

But Tom is different. He’s a bit flaky but at least he actually wants to see me and makes me feel cozy and companionship and good stuff. 

UGH

 to say I’m confused is to put it lightly.

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I would have turned down the party

I would have called you up

brought popcorn over

and we would have sat in your basement like old times 

I’d be on one side of the couch and you on the other and we could have just watched TV together. Because when it comes down to it, I’d rather do that any day with you then go with those other guys.

I’d choose you every time. 

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we went to qdoba before leaving for max’s concert. 
And at first she just watched me watching him.

But we can communicate in a single glance and I knew that she liked him and she could see everything I could see in the dude.

When he started getting excited about veggies, especially broccoli she just gave me a look.

And then he told me that he was getting into biking

and after hours of talking with him we parted ways and she told me that if there was anyone ever designed to be my other half, it’s him.

We like ALL the same things. 

But I could see how desperately she wanted him to like me. 

She tried making him jealous by bringing up Tommy. I was embarassed. Then when I went to the bathroom I guess she told him that I have dudes “crawling all over” me and that with the amount of dudes who check me out if some upstanding young man wanted a chance with mehe’d have to act fast. or something like that….she kept trying to call me pretty and beautiful in front of him.

Kris is a very smart dude. I’m sure he knows whats up.

But here’s the thing. It actually doesn’t matter to me anymore. Like at all. I really am in different. I mean of course it was good to see him! He is SUCH A GOOD MAN. And I can’t ever deny  that he is just wonderful in every way. But I’m happy to keep him as a friend.

So when Trisha looked at me and begged me to marry him on our way to tacoma all I could do is look at her and tell her that God said no. He said a big fat no. And I really am okay with that. 

So she quietly surrendered. “be his friend forever sam. I’m so serious here. He is such a good guy. You can’t ever let a person that awesome out of your life”

Oh and two more things. I guess the punk did say I was beautiful butttt I know Esther and Trish probably forced him into it.

But Trish let it slip that I used to like him. He got a big grjn on his face and was just like “I KNEW IT” I wanted to kind of die so awkwardly I got up grabbed my keys to go and went to leave. And I can’t help but dwell on what he said:

"Woah Sam, theres no need to feel weird about it, I don’t feel weird about it. It’s done and we can just move on from this ya know or not"

or not? What did that mean? Like or not as in there might be something there???? Nah. overthinking.

Esther kept asking me if he proposed today would I say yes? I told her I’d say no to everyone. 

Like I don’t care. I’m so done. Forever. REALLY. 

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I miss you but I’m resigning myself to the fact that you are indeed exiting out of my life.

I made you a part of my daily routine I made room for you in my heart and I made you a best friend of mine.

I called you brother.

Am I not your sister?

You told me not to be disappointed and I’ll do my best. But I’ve never ever been good with this kind of stuff. 

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-I called you my brother. I left a room in my heart open for you, one of the most unlikely of candidates. And now you don’t talk to me. That room in my heart is crumbling and I don’t want ruins there. I don’t want that part of my heart broken. Do you even realize that I love you so much? Silence is hard.

-I feel so guilty

-I want to give him my heart

-I feel absolutely crazy and insane

-I’m scared

-I feel unwanted by the right person

-Feeling wanted by the wrong person and that just feels SO wrong. But some company feels better than perpetual isolation and loneliness.

-My goodness. I have just been so so so so so so so so lonely.

-I feel weak.

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"We still love to hug, cuddle, hold hands, and joke around together like young sweethearts. Well, for sure it is because we love Christ more than we love each other. Also, it is because I love her more than I love myself and she love me more than she loves herself"