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I could just sit here and write down how wonderful you are. Kind. Gentle. Strong and patient. 

You’ve heard me say it all. And forgive me, but you’re going to hear me say it all over again regardless. This won’t be the last time either.

I told you that you were my soul mate. Austin everyone thinks I did it to mess with you but we both know that I kind of meant it. You mentioned Holst and how much you love the Planets. I love that too. You have the soul of musician, and more than that, a performer. You know and you understand the untouchable emotion that comes from actually creating the music and letting flow out through your body. 

You mentioned that when you hang out with friends you normally just go  on walks. Bless your soul, you understand the drive in the heart and the great adventures that lay just outside the door waiting to be claimed by ripped soles. 

You told me that you just loved sports. And I knew by the way you tensed when you spoke about it that you had an unquenchable fire down inside. Uncontainable. You understood the passion that drives an athlete to endure the blood, the exhaustion and the aching undulations that pulse from an overworked body. 

You communicated all that and more to me with your answers and I just knew you were like me. Another Sasquatch. 

Immediately and suddenly the world felt a little less lonely. Something snapped in my mind and a new curiosity and devotion to you formed. There was no hesitation and there was no refrain. 

Austin, I am so glad, that you are my brother. Closer than that. Not because I’m the one you run to when you have an issue, but because you feel the same way about life and the world. You process this swirling life of chaos the same way I do. Analagous souls. Parralel lives.

Austin Jeffery Davis. Thank you because you see straight to my heart and last night sweeping the store I told you of everything that shakes my will. I told you of how I am the great unwanted DUFF. 

I lost all of that weight and I’m still alone. Now we both know I didn’t loose the weight to be loved. Screw that. But even for all of the pig headed shallow men our age my personality is still so strong that even if they were to be attracted to me I must repulse. Because if it’s not the looks it is actually just me. 

I don’t want to forget the way you looked: you pursed your lips, took a deep breath and looked to the side for a second, hand up and resting on the wall.

"Sam I don’t want to make things weird but honestly, if there were another universe where I was single, I would want to be with you. You’re a great catch"

And Austin, thank you. There are few men I respect. I can count them on one hand. You my friend are the first I’ve respected who has ever said anything like that.

I needed to hear it, and I needed to hear it from someone I respect. 

Again I don’t need to clarify that we’re just friends. I like how I never have to do it,

But you are handsome, witty, wise, hardworking and I hope that you will always be my friend. 

I hate you :)

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So important

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I want to hear You say well done
I want to be welcomed in
I want to feel Your love like sunshine
On my resurrected skin

I want to hear the music play
I want to hear the trumpets sound
I want to hear You call my name
And watch my feet lift off the ground

I will run
Oh and I won’t quit
Chasing Your heart
Just like David did
I’ll coming running
Through the gates
Looking to Your face
Oh I can hardly wait
Until You carry my soul
Carry my soul away

When everything is said and done
And death has met its end
I want to hear You call me son
Be counted as a faithful friend

I want to see You rise like fire
I want to see the scars that bled
Oh won’t you take me higher
The place where angels fear to tread

And I will run
Lord and I won’t quit
Chasing Your heart
Just like David did
I’ll coming running
Through the gates
Looking to Your face
Oh I can hardly wait
Until You carry my soul
Carry my soul away

And I will keep my lamplight
Burning in the night
I’ll be waiting here for You
Watching for all Your signs
If I may be so bold to ask You
Would You lend Your ear to me
Oh Lord come quickly

And I will run
Lord and I won’t quit
Chasing Your heart
Just like David did
And I’ll coming running
Through the gates
Looking to Your face
Oh I can hardly wait
Until You carry my soul
Carry my soul away
Until You carry my soul
Carry my soul away

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"In my mind, I wanted to tie this to this metaphor that I’ve been thinking about a lot because all I think about are metaphors and cats. My idea was that life itself, and who people actually are, can be greatly reflected in how they dance. I really think that. And I don’t mean how good you are, I mean your willingness to dance. You can kind of tell, if you go to a house party and you see that there’s like this group of people over here that are too cool for school and they’re over here and there just like ‘oh my God. Those people are dancing. That is so weird that they’re like dancing.’ You know, those people, I don’t feel like, are having as good of a time as the people they’re making fun of. The people who don’t care how they look dancing, cause they like dancing. I’m not projecting or anything. But basically, I love the idea that you can tell who someone is by how they dance. And so we started talking about ideas and we basically decided that we would get this huge group of incredible professional dancers, of all different types of dance, and throw me into the middle of them and see what happens."

- Taylor on the ‘Shake It Off’ music video (via swiftnetwork)
Source: swiftnetwork
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The whole shift was fun. He’s really adamant about working hard and not disappointing me. 

He scrubbed the sanitizer sink.

Good man.

We locked up. We closed.

He came in to hug me.

Stiff armed him. He got closer still. Told him to have a good night. Gave him a pound it and left. 

Poor kid is probably so confused. 

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There are consequences to actions. I’m not quite sure if I ever let myself think about it, and I mean really think about it, because it just wasn’t easy. And if I ever really took the time to do that I would have understood that I am not above those consequences. I do not know whether or not I acted selfishly or stupidly. Probably both. Nah. It’s all on me. It was only selfish.

Ya see, I blurred lines with Tom. I mean we blurred lines but I’m pretty sure I was the one who reached out first and made that first, tiny and seemingly inconsequential physical contact. 

It’s a foggy sunday morning many weeks later and I just want to take it all back.

But I’ve finally detangled everything I think and feel about it and I know now. I know I said it was fine because we weren’t going to push boundaries again but it’s not fine. I broke a wall that led to a slippery slope along time ago.

And so I’m going to undo it because I want Tom as a life long friend. I really really do. It might feel weird like trying to use a left hand instead of a right one, but I have to gracefully and almost sneakily insert new boundaries. 

Because there’s still a spark when we hug—I know it goes on a little too long and I know it’s a little too tight. 

As I am I’m not good for him. If I can change the way I interact with him to how I interact with just about anyone else than I think I stand a chance at being that good friend he needs. 

How the heck am I supposed to ignore that laugh of his though? I mean his laugh is honestly one of the most beautiful sounds I’ve ever heard. And it’s just not in my nature to refrain from compliments.

But I have to permanantly and fundamentally change our friendship soon otherwise bigger consequences are coming.

Alright Sam. Damage control. 

It’s not something you really want to do and it will take a lot of restraint. But here you go! Think of what is needed.

Hey, do it for Tom. You like him a lot, I know. 

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How selfish is it to say that my dad is throwing a wrench in my plans?

I’m irritated though. 

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I know I know I know

Lord knows I know. 

I know I said that I’d forget you that I was giving up and settling after so adamantly swearing that I’d just wait for you forever.

So how come I still end up on the verge of tears in the middle of the night, chest weighted, at the thought of you being apart from me?

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Your laugh..

holds me against you closer still

molds my smile; bends my will

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Saw guardians of the galaxy with Mr. Tom Cat last night.

Gosh….he was so alksdjf;alkdfj;aoidjf; handsome. Like the most attractive I think he’s ever been. 

It’s hard to be me.