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Just saw an old photo of you from High school.

God alone knows how much I miss you.

How could you forget about me so quickly?

Here is the curse of an inconsequential being. I would have given the world to see you smile.

I think college changed you. I feel like it’s dampered that lovely part of your soul that I cherished. 

Not that I don’t still cherish it.

But again, it’s dampered and you’re gone. 

I write you letters still now and again.

I never have the courage to send them because I know there won’t be a reply. That hurts more than anything. 

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So yeah, I get affectionate with you I guess?

I just like talking to you. You’re a good listener. You also keep me in check when I need it.

If you’re okay with it, so am I. I don’t mean to be creepy.

I really don’t mean to be needy.

But when I liked you before I ever met you the only way I could describe exactly why I was so, how shall I put this…drawn to you is that talking to you felt like talking to an old friend. 

You’ve told me before that you just can’t figure me out. Well that makes two of us, but when I talk to you it just kind of feels like you already know me. My habits, my nature, and I dunno. It’s refreshing.  

You say you don’t have a good relationship with your family. 

Well you’re my brother in Christ. I can be your family.

At least I will be your friend. And let’s face it. I’m going to make sure you stay my friend for a long time to come. I won’t go anywhere if you don’t.

BTW, this isn’t flirty.

I’m not flirting.

My adoration must not be mistaken for that. 

Unless you think that this type of emotional bond is not appropriate for a friendship? If it’s too much I’ll back down. 

I guess I could message you this. I should. eh. Idk.

probably will. But this is also like my diary. So I should keep it here anyway?

yeah. Whatever

Chat
  • Me: Dad I think people on the internet are trying to tell me I should have been aborted by you guys because I took a pro life stance. Anything you want me to spew to them online?
  • Dad: Sam, people who are drunk on emotion will never realize you've won an argument. Especially people who cling to their deep seeded stupidity.
  • Me: Yeah, that'll go over well I'm sure. Nah, that'll just piss em off
  • Dad: Well, let them be pissed off.

Meh

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I’m tired of answering questions about abortion on tumblr.

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Best friends who crawl out of bed at 6 in the morning to go exploring with you. Entering random buildings just to climb to the top and get dizzy when we look down.

Running through the woods till we can’t breathe and then shrugging and running some more

trying different foods

down time with  intense spiritual discussion. 

walking everywhere just because we can

going to go see movies with her wonderful boyfriend

we talk about the best of times and the worst of times

we talk about being bruised from the inside out 

we talk about being whole and complete and happy

she literally knows what I’m going to say before I say it and knows every last thing I don’t say. 

I don’t miss her day to day because that ruins the spontaneity. 

I just show up and she comes.

We forge our own paths that way.

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Joe says he’s on team frizz >:)

Also he told me why guys will do things like grab your waist or steal your phone and make you fight them for it to get it back: he says it’s because they want any excuse to touch you because they think you’re cute.

Ahah. I’m not sure about that. Maybe that’s how JOE operates but at anyrate he is now convinced that I’ve got a bunch of dudes who are sweet on me.

HAH.

Oh he was asking me to touch his pecs again yesterday and I told him that I didn’t want touch his flabby fatty gross man boobs. I then started talking about how I’ve lost a lot of my core strength and how I want to get that back and loose weight. He’s full of crap but he’s really nice. He told me I was thin already and that I didn’t need to loose weight.

I don’t know it was kind of a “if you want it come and get it” kind of night.

oh he also told me that sometimes he uses taylors lotion. haha yeah

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I find anon hate kind of funny actually.

Just all of it.

Like

hahaha 

like that’s the best insult you got? Whew. You haven’t met my sister.

As if my validation as a human being is dependent on your opinion anyway. 

That’s the thing about pro choice people though; they don’t value human life. That’s why they’ll classify me as human garbage.

I should have just agreed with them. I mean I am white trash in the end. 

Heh. 

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Remember sharing coffee flavored almonds together? 

Or just talking about coffee and how the best cups come from when you grind your own beans?

Taking turns falling asleep then using the other one who had managed to stay awake for notes. You’d randomly pull pencils out of your pocket. Goodness. How incredibly nerdy. How incredibly endearing.

It’s not hard to let my imagination get carried away because we had already painted a pretty clear starting point.  I see it all too well.

One week.

I don’t know what to say.

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I like writing. I like words. I like reading. I like novels. I like syntax and flow and inculcation. 

I guess some other people like my writing too. 

Dr. Reed once told me it was “pure poetry” and that my work had “soul”. “Strong thinking. Good writing” is what Dr. B called it. I remember the incredulous looks both of them gave me when I told them I was going into Science and Engineering as oppose to English, or Political Science. 

I’m not sure what to say. Their belief in my abilities encouraged me to stretch and challenge what I had already been doing.

I don’t know if I’m actually good at writing, I know that one day, though, I do want to write a book. And I won’t stop writing. About 1% of anything I’ll let anyone read is actually crafted to be a developed piece of work. Most of what is written here are brain dumps.

Scientific writing poses a whole new challenge for me. I usually write with the purpose of communication of more abstract ideas.This in turn allows me to write with flourish. Scientific writing, however, is so bare yet it’s injected with countless rules and jargon. I want to write to communicate ideas or feelings. I want to write to make others feel the same conviction that reverberates midst my turbid thoughts; I think if I make all those invisible emotions visible to them—give them a spectra and hues that are undeniable—then surely they will understand the complexities and motivations for different ideas and issues better. Context. 

But ugh. Scientific writing. It’s like stripping the flesh off of me. Bare-boned I display fractured arguments and chemical knowledge as an after thought. I don’t see how to structure the arguments. Why is there no resolution? No culmination? At this point I spend as much time reading primary scientific reports as I do writing them and it all feels like jazz. Well, not the jazz I know, for me it is something with plenty of phrasing and poetry and spectra. But others have told me that jazz to them is just endless and that it all sounds the same. There is no phrasing and there is no climax. To them it sounds just like a string of endless notes—not quite a song. Well that description of jazz is how it feels to write my papers. 

I can’t conclude anything. I can only suggest.

But I’m also getting better at it with every paper and I know that I have a lot more to come. Three- four more biology classes. A year of Physics. A year of physical chemistry. A year of Bio chemistry.

I wanted a challenging education.

I thank God that I have one.

By His grace, and not anything I can do, I have come this far. And by His grace I will continue forward. 

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Like part of me is kind of like ehh but I don’t know why guys always feel the need to come up behind me and put their hands on my waist and try and scare me. Ya feel? ya know what I mean? like they’ll squeeze your waist…? I mean I don’t actually particularly mind it but it’s just like a lot of htem do it. Nate did that to me today and I was so startled I almost dropped my coffee.
or like Ramon coming up behind me and just putting his arm around me. It took me forever to learn to not flinch away.
I mean it’s no big deal but I don’t really know why guys are so hands on. I suppose it’s just how normal human beings interact. but then again I don’t do that to any of my friends.

what ever.

if you have insight please share. I don’t know how I”m supposed to react because I’m a robot.